Posts In This Series - Part-1 | Prologue Part-2 | Family Part-3 | Conveniences Part-4 | Public Infrastructure Let’s take a dig at one of the more important motivators for Indian expats to return back to the ol’ country - Proximity to extended family.
I didn't know there was a term for this, haha! I read it up, it's a great framework to have.
I do often struggle with this thought about all the regrets I might have toward the end of my life. There are the guaranteed ones that I just have to accept. Things such as I'll never amount to anything significant because I most definitely will never write a book, play a sport at elite levels, write an original music composition, start a company, make groundbreaking contributions to science and technology, run for office, win a major award, etc. I simply have to make peace with this fact and try to not even have regrets here.
And then there are things that don't require talent but only will-power and commitment. These are within my reach, such as - build a blog with a huge body of work to show for, learn a foreign language, live in Europe, get very good at playing a musical instrument, create some (crappy) animated short movies, maybe do some social service and philanthropy, etc.
Thanks to you, I'm now armed with this fancy term 😄 and apply it to the above aspirations so the biggest thing I take to my death bed won't be - Hey! I'm awesome because I tried out early-retirement!
May 15, 2023·edited May 15, 2023Liked by Nitin Puranik
A great post. Feeling beaten down by loneliness is a very common feeling in the US.
Knowing that your extended family is there for you is a great comfort. But it can get stifling - petty, judging and quarrelsome too. I am happy that I am away from that noise full time. Us being far away, we’re treated now like we are above that and are no longer involved or asked to take sides.
But I miss the joy of seeing my kids with their grandparents and their cousins. They will never know those experiences or connections that I felt.
>> Feeling beaten down by loneliness is a very common feeling in the US.
Yeah very true. I especially felt very depressed on birthdays and other special occasions when we couldn't even celebrate and share some happy moments together. Video calls during such occasions just didn't make up for the absence felt, it actually left me sadder. Glad to be able to celebrate now with real people in real life!
>> But I miss the joy of seeing my kids with their grandparents and their cousins.
Whenever I float the idea of moving back abroad to my wife, she's like - by doing that I'll be guaranteeing our son going into depression and trauma because of separation from his grandparents 😅
Oh man. I can relate to this so much, as a hardcore introvert. Unlike you, I'm not a US returnee and I'm childfree, but still.
The reason I find extended family tiring is the same reason I find work tiring - it's because I have to put on a "face" in order to escape being ostracized. Fake smile, be nice, don't question, be interested in the same things the group is interested in, be a team player, don't be too assertive (for a woman). Above all - you must conform.
Putting on the mask is tiring. Which is why I hate living with parents or in-laws because I never get a chance to take the mask off.
Amen to that! Add to the list of annoyances - the unsolicited advice. Goodness! I'm about to be 40 in a couple years and yet these folks with zero emotional intelligence continue to give me advice I never asked for.
I have to summon immense strength of character and restraint to hold back the words I wanna blurt out in response to their pearls of wisdom.
Your thoughts about taking action reminded me of the idiom popularized by Bezos "Regret minimization framework".
Awesome stuff!!
Hi Shubho! Good to see you here!
I didn't know there was a term for this, haha! I read it up, it's a great framework to have.
I do often struggle with this thought about all the regrets I might have toward the end of my life. There are the guaranteed ones that I just have to accept. Things such as I'll never amount to anything significant because I most definitely will never write a book, play a sport at elite levels, write an original music composition, start a company, make groundbreaking contributions to science and technology, run for office, win a major award, etc. I simply have to make peace with this fact and try to not even have regrets here.
And then there are things that don't require talent but only will-power and commitment. These are within my reach, such as - build a blog with a huge body of work to show for, learn a foreign language, live in Europe, get very good at playing a musical instrument, create some (crappy) animated short movies, maybe do some social service and philanthropy, etc.
Thanks to you, I'm now armed with this fancy term 😄 and apply it to the above aspirations so the biggest thing I take to my death bed won't be - Hey! I'm awesome because I tried out early-retirement!
A great post. Feeling beaten down by loneliness is a very common feeling in the US.
Knowing that your extended family is there for you is a great comfort. But it can get stifling - petty, judging and quarrelsome too. I am happy that I am away from that noise full time. Us being far away, we’re treated now like we are above that and are no longer involved or asked to take sides.
But I miss the joy of seeing my kids with their grandparents and their cousins. They will never know those experiences or connections that I felt.
>> Feeling beaten down by loneliness is a very common feeling in the US.
Yeah very true. I especially felt very depressed on birthdays and other special occasions when we couldn't even celebrate and share some happy moments together. Video calls during such occasions just didn't make up for the absence felt, it actually left me sadder. Glad to be able to celebrate now with real people in real life!
>> But I miss the joy of seeing my kids with their grandparents and their cousins.
Whenever I float the idea of moving back abroad to my wife, she's like - by doing that I'll be guaranteeing our son going into depression and trauma because of separation from his grandparents 😅
Oh man. I can relate to this so much, as a hardcore introvert. Unlike you, I'm not a US returnee and I'm childfree, but still.
The reason I find extended family tiring is the same reason I find work tiring - it's because I have to put on a "face" in order to escape being ostracized. Fake smile, be nice, don't question, be interested in the same things the group is interested in, be a team player, don't be too assertive (for a woman). Above all - you must conform.
Putting on the mask is tiring. Which is why I hate living with parents or in-laws because I never get a chance to take the mask off.
Amen to that! Add to the list of annoyances - the unsolicited advice. Goodness! I'm about to be 40 in a couple years and yet these folks with zero emotional intelligence continue to give me advice I never asked for.
I have to summon immense strength of character and restraint to hold back the words I wanna blurt out in response to their pearls of wisdom.